blogger

I wonder if Google is going to keep blogger going.

Does anyone still use it?

does my butt look big in this ?

does by butt look big in this ?

I hate being fat

I always have. It has been the curse of my life. Almost everything you do or try to do is affected negatively by being fat.

I had a brief reprieve in my early 20s, when I was a normal weight for my height. I only achieved that weight by developing an eating disorder, but was able to get out of that successfully when I got married. Either side of that I have been fat. Probably at my worst I would of been over 140 kg. I'm not too sure what my highest weight was because that is the weight where normal scales are not up to the task.

I want to do so much, but am held back by it. It always gets in the way. Always there to stop me.

I tend to forget that I am such a fat bastard. It can be blissful during those times, but there is always a reminder just around the corner.

Yesterday I went on my regular group ride. I can comfortably keep with this group - I would be considered one of the stronger riders in the group actually. They are all lean. Most cyclists are. A few of the guys regularly get together to climb on of the few hills we have around Townsville. I want to go, but cannot. I simply cannot climb. My weight just makes what is an effort for the other guys an absolutely gut wrenching event. I tried to climb many many times, but as soon as the grade gets over 5% I am gone, In granny gear and almost unable to turn the pedals.

Anyway, this means that I don't wear shorts over my cycling pants like normal commuting days ( I worked out early on that abuse from cars is greatly reduced if I wear shorts), so I was leaving work and walked past one of the guys, saying goodbye on the way.

I could see that what he was seeing looked wrong.

He is a good guy - I am not saying anything bad against him - he is just reacting to what he is seeing.

He was fighting back a smirk with great difficulty, and started to jumble his words, probably started making a joke in his head which was being defused by the fact he didn't want to embarrass me.

I know this could be paranoia, but I was feeling comfortable, but of course it looked ridiculous, probably like an overstuffed sausage in a colourful skin.

I am going back to wearing shorts, nobody thinks anything of you if you wear shorts.

Last ever food post.

This will be the last time I ever post about food or diet.

I will never post another food photo on Instagram or Facebook as well.

My diet has become a joke. I am going back to low carb, and that is about the end of the story.

Anyway..

I managed to get my lazy arse to group ride this morning, and it was pretty uneventful ride. I ended up turning around at the same time as Daryl, and rode towards work for around six or seven kilometers.

Daryl had just bought a new garmin, which had cadence and he asked me what cadence I tend to cycle at. I answered '80 usually'. Most cyclists tend to sit around the 90 mark, but a few years of riding only my triathlon bike had pretty much fused my cadence at 80.

Daryl then said something that threw me a little. 'It must be those big powerful legs of yours' (His exact words). I agreed, probably because it is right I guess. I think I forget sometimes I am a pretty big unit. Good in a sprint, not going up hills.

I still miss my Grandmother terribly.

I was going to the supermarket yesterday. My daughter and I entered the large automatically opening doors and made our way to the shopping trolley area. On the way I was stopped dead in my tracks.

There was an elderly woman with her back turned to me.

Thin build. wearing a blue floral print dress with a white shawl over her shoulders. Her hair was almost white wearing simple flat shoes with stockings.

Her build and height were what I remember my grandmother being. I honestly for a second or two though I was looking at my grandmother. I stopped walking. My daughter give me an odd look. I snapped out of it and continued as the woman turned her head a little. She was not my grandmother, but for a split second in time I thought she was there in front of me again.

I still miss her every day. 

Fast diet musings

A few days into the 'Fast Diet' now, and have found a couple of things happening.

I am getting through the fasting days just fine, having no more than 500 calories (although it is recommended I should have up to 700). I break the day up with an egg on toast in the morning followed by two small pieces of fruit during the day. For dinner last night I had an english muffin with jam and peanut butter. I weighed everything down to the gram so was right on the 500 calories.

My first Feast day, on Tuesday, was a little out of control. I really did eat a lot after dinner (mostly junk), so felt a bit dejected about it. Today is my second feasting day, and I have found that I am struggling to eat much. I had fish and chips for lunch and have felt very uncomfortable for the rest of the day. We shall see what happens tonight of course, but for now I really don't want to eat.

I think I am getting a couple of junk food cravings out of the way and I am sure I will slip into something generally healthier in coming days.

 

I am going to try 4:3 instead of 5:2. I feel I can manage this ok.

trying yet another diet

Another day, another diet.

I am sure I have written that before in a past blog post. Absolutely positive actually. (I checked and you do not have to scroll down too far to find it)

I have given up on the vegan diet. I did enjoy it very much - it really is a way I like to eat, but once again I have gained weight on it. I was not over eating either. The few times I calorie counted I never went over 2500 calories for the day. I should not of really gained weight, but I put on five kilograms in four weeks. Not happy Jan.

I know someone that has had very good success on the 5:2 (fasting) diet. Basicially you eat a limit of 500 calories for the day twice a week. Other days you are free to eat what you want, but I am going to try and keep it to good whole foods with no junk.

Yesterday was my first 500 calorie day, and I can say it was tough at night time, but otherwise got through it fine.

I was worried that I might be completely ravenous and eat everything in sight the next day, but I feel great. I did enjoy the two eggs on toast this morning very much after my morning bunch ride. I had a banana going out the door at 5am, and that got me through the ride just fine.

I am thinking of making Monday and Wednesday the low calorie days. That seems to work best with my lifestyle at the moment.

Things I miss the most

So, I have been on this diet for a little while now, certainly enough to form the habit of eating a completely different way.

Every day is a battle however, I don't feel like I am 100% out of the woods yet.

What are the things I miss the most ?

• Toast - especially when there is runny egg yolk that needs to be soaked up.
• Pancakes - I have become so obsessed with pancakes I find myself doodling them when talking on the phone.
• Sugar - only really the half teaspoon I put in my coffee really.
• Mashed potato - probably my favourite thing in the world.
• Rice - I've been making some really nice green currys of late, and damn would a cup of rice go well with them.
• Flour - you know, the stuff that goes in cakes,biscuits, tarts,scones,muffins aaaarrgghh

I still find myself getting a little queasy in the gut sometimes, and I'm sort of not really enjoying what I'm eating. For the moment I am going to continue because it seems to be working well. I will worry about what to do after I lose 30kg.