does my butt look big in this ?

does by butt look big in this ?

I hate being fat

I always have. It has been the curse of my life. Almost everything you do or try to do is affected negatively by being fat.

I had a brief reprieve in my early 20s, when I was a normal weight for my height. I only achieved that weight by developing an eating disorder, but was able to get out of that successfully when I got married. Either side of that I have been fat. Probably at my worst I would of been over 140 kg. I'm not too sure what my highest weight was because that is the weight where normal scales are not up to the task.

I want to do so much, but am held back by it. It always gets in the way. Always there to stop me.

I tend to forget that I am such a fat bastard. It can be blissful during those times, but there is always a reminder just around the corner.

Yesterday I went on my regular group ride. I can comfortably keep with this group - I would be considered one of the stronger riders in the group actually. They are all lean. Most cyclists are. A few of the guys regularly get together to climb on of the few hills we have around Townsville. I want to go, but cannot. I simply cannot climb. My weight just makes what is an effort for the other guys an absolutely gut wrenching event. I tried to climb many many times, but as soon as the grade gets over 5% I am gone, In granny gear and almost unable to turn the pedals.

Anyway, this means that I don't wear shorts over my cycling pants like normal commuting days ( I worked out early on that abuse from cars is greatly reduced if I wear shorts), so I was leaving work and walked past one of the guys, saying goodbye on the way.

I could see that what he was seeing looked wrong.

He is a good guy - I am not saying anything bad against him - he is just reacting to what he is seeing.

He was fighting back a smirk with great difficulty, and started to jumble his words, probably started making a joke in his head which was being defused by the fact he didn't want to embarrass me.

I know this could be paranoia, but I was feeling comfortable, but of course it looked ridiculous, probably like an overstuffed sausage in a colourful skin.

I am going back to wearing shorts, nobody thinks anything of you if you wear shorts.